I was working at McDonalds at the time....I loved it there...before it was open 24 hours....And it was the new store in downtown Elyria.  Totally miss that job :)    anyways...after i left school i went to work there full time...since i really had nothing better to do.  would work any shift i could...open close mid....i really liked the closing shift.  I was able to bring home bags of sandwiches/nuggets (and i do mean bags) after it was counted.  That would explain why i gained 80lbs with my pregnancy.  I weighed 100lbs when i got pregnant....when i delivered i was over 180lbs....of course i never left the house except to go to work and church.  didnt exercise...really didnt care how i looked cuz who would want me now...the months i was pregnant were pretty much uneventful....other then the few issues dan and i had.  one time i caught him kissing my really good friend out side of church one night....just before i delivered we got into an argument at church one night and he raised his hand to hit me....i must have made a face or something becuase he didnt go thru with it, but it was enough to send me over the edge emotionally.  As a young woman having a baby, i was forever plagued with that ultimate choice....abortion, adoption or keep.   well as i DO NOT believe in abortion that only left the other 2 choices.  i had it all planned out...had the attorney, the court, the paperwork and the family.  now before you think i was cold hearted about it...believe me i was anything but cold hearted...it was not a decision i came to easily or without much reservation...dan and i used to argue about it...i dont know how many times we broke up over it...he told me we would get married once he turned 18 and we would be a family....do you know how much i longed for that....how much i wished it could be true...i waffled about the decision for about 4 months....yes no yes no....eventually after so much waffling the decision was made for me...the family i had chosen backed out cuz they could not trust me to keep my end of the bargain (cant say that i blame them, i still cant really make solid decisions).  Other than my emotional roller coaster my pregnancy was pretty normal...had morning sickness for only 7 days.  March 9th was my due date i believe...however that came and went. I ended up being induced about 2 weeks later.  I just figured he wasnt done baking in my oven.

Have you ever known what it was like to be a dissappointment?  read that again...to be not to have....its not pretty....doesnt feel good and in no way would i ever want to experience it again.  ever had your WHOLE entire family NOT talk to you for weeks because of being a dissappointment?  the summer of my senior year was amazing...i had some beautiful pics taken....i will admit back in the day i was beautiful and thin...a bit annoying and loud (still)...i never did understand why...oh never mind...not going to go back into that again..so where was i ...oh yes...my senior year....i was stoked...i had Madrigals (musical group) ...my friends...my youth group.....looking forward to going to college (not that i really had the grades to go)  had a job...dan....what more could a girl want....hahaha i thought i was just eating alot and putting on weight...i mean teenagers do that right?  my mom asked me straight out if i was pregnant.....i was like what?!  no!  it never once crossed my mind that i would be preggo....and yes i know how babies were made just never thought it would happen to me i guess...so she takes me to the dr...where without any tests (blood, urine, ect)  tells my mom that i was about 2 months give or take...now i have made my mom cry before....but i had never heard the tone she used that day...or for the next 2 weeks really....she didnt look at me she didnt talk to me...she wouldnt answer any of my questions or reply when i tried to talk to her...i went to school came home went to work and stayed in my bedroom....my grandparents wouldnt talk to me..it was like i was an alien on another planet and didnt know the language...she finally talked to me again after the 2 weeks went by...guess she needed time to gather her thoughts and emotions...we sorta talked thru some things...gave me a few options in regards to school...(quit and get GED or stay and graduate, maybe)  i chose to quit school so no one could see my downfall and promptly got my GED (not something i really tell people).  plus i saw how the kids treated the pregnant girls in my school...no way was i going thru that as well....went to work full time at mcdonalds...where they were good to me there....just needed to think thru what was going to happen next....of course we had to sit down and talk with dan and his family....if the liked me before...they sure didnt after the news...i had no clue what i was going to do...keep the baby and be a mom or give it up for adoption...i kept thinking and thinking...couldnt stop thinking ...our next step was to tell the youth group...let me tell you THAT was one of the hardest things i ever had to do...i had always considered myself one of the "leaders"...upper crust so to say...well at least if you were new you werent going to sneak by without an introduction from me...and of course a hug...cuz i am a hugger...so anyways...we stood up in front of the youth group and asked for prayer and forgiveness....let me say that i found out who were my real friends that night...out of like 30 people....only 4 stoped by my side to pray...it was like i was the major sinner here and dan was the golden boy who did nothing wrong....really pissed me off...i think that was when i stopped walking with the lord....oh i still went to church...my mother made me so i didnt have a choice...but i did stop being so active and really didnt care anymore

1995...what an amazing summer for me....My mom gave me my first real taste of freedom...:)   she was fostering a boy named Jesse and was trying to adopt this girl named Sarah.  Sarah and I were sharing a room, even had brand new bedroom furniture to go with our brand new family and life.  I got a job that summer working for the Parks and Recreation.  Sometimes I would walk from my house to West Rec...sometimes Dan would take me to work.  I had so much free time and for once my mother wasn't watching what I was doing...and I took FULL advantage of it.  (Bow chicka wow wow)  I mean why not, everyone else was doing it right.  We were in LOVE....Up until this point in my life, I was very sheltered..had no real clue what love was...oh i loved my mom and my friends and family...but what about romantic love?  the thought of a man being a part of my life becuase he wanted to be there...not out of obligation was very intoxicating..growing up not having a 'real' father was rough.  I dont mean rough as in hard for me and my mom...i mean more the emotional void it creates.  There were several men in my mother's life that aimed to be the 'man of the house' but didnt really want to deal with me.  I was a 'cute child' but nothing beyond that.  One man even stuck around long enough to adopt me and give me his name.....then a few short years later told me i wasnt good enough to be his daughter and as far as he was concerned he didnt have a daughter only sons and if only i would try to be more like them....once he beat me with a belt until i black and blue from the middle of my back to my knees and told me i should go back to the orphanage where i belonged cuz no one really wanted me around....blah blah blah...(and i wonder why i have a hard time believing men)   Anyways....the youth group took a trip to chicago...called SEMP....learning how to share our faith with total strangers on the street.  It was fun, probably would have been better had it not been so blasted hot outside. Hottest days on record for chicago at that point.  no air in our rooms cuz we stayed at a local bible college in downtown chicago that was out for the summer...dan was so attentive to my needs and wants....is it any wonder that a few weeks later i would find out the biggest shock of my life

The year was 1995 and I was 16.  Junior at EHS.  Member of the Madrigals, Student Council, Swim Team, Drama, Choir....ect.  But we cant forget youth group at Church of the Open Door.  I was there every Wed night and Sunday morning.   I was an average student, I suppose.  Loved school, hated homework.  Still do to this day.

I met this young man who started coming to our youth group.  His name was Dan and he had his driver's license.  So of course he appealed to my sense of freedom :)  Besides, back then what my mom didnt know wouldnt hurt her (or me).  He lived in Oberlin and we would talk all the time.  I had trust issues back then and needed to be his center of attention at all times.  He was a wrestler and I think he played baseball as well.  I remember that I asked him to be my valentine that year and he hesitated. We started dating....I liked his family....my mom liked him....I was envious that he had a mom and a dad and a younger sister that he said was annoying LOL.  Things were great back then.  I really really was into him.

Welcome!

Well this is my first attempt at blogging on a much grander scale.  I had a blog on myspace, but noone goes there anymore.  I actually decided to blog after Ali (a lady at church) shared her blog on facebook.

So with all that being said....I must ask that if you read this blog, please remember that this is MY blog and i will write things that make me happy, sad, angry, frustrated or just down right nasty.  If you have done something that warrants you being in my blog, I will not use your name....just first initial  :)  Please respect my blog page as I would respect yours.  You dont like what i write, then please dont read.